Resume Black Hole

Where have all the resumes gone? Is there a resume black hole?

I've applied to literally, hundreds of jobs within the last 3 months and I've only received two calls back...WTF?

And, it's not like I'm not credentialed or qualified for a good paying job...I'm an Army Soldier for crying out loud!!

It seems that I'm not alone in this predicament! What's up with these online applications anyway? Does anyone ever read them? They have you go to their HR website and fill in all of your information, take a survey, personality test, DNA scanning, mind reading, and take hair samples from everyone living within your household; all totaling about an hour of your time, and then they don't even give you the courtesy of a rejection letter?!? Or, if you do get a reply email, it says something to the effect of under-qualification/over-qualification, you're a piece of shit dirt bag and we would never in a million years consider you, so don't call us, we'll call you, kind of spiel!

Where has all of my time gotten me? Right here, at home, writing a blog!

Where has my resume gone? Is it like a tree falling in the woods; has it made a sound in a forest filled with empty cyberspace if no one was on the receiving end to read it?

My Blonde Resume

 

Lyndie S. Corder

the5blacs@gmail.com

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Office Assistant and Medical Professional

 

• Received an Army Accommodation Medal for extraordinary leadership as the NCOIC of Anesthesia and Operative Services during an Operation Enduring Freedom mobilization at Fort Bragg, NC.
• Received Army Achievement Medal for outstanding performance while serving as an Ear Nose and Throat Tech during an Operation Enduring Freedom mobilization at Fort Bliss, TX.

 

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Highlights of Experience

 

NCOIC Anesthesia & Operative Services                                                                                         Oct 08 to Present

Womack Army Medical Center, Fort Bragg, NC

I assisted and managed 60 personnel to include 26 officers (Active Duty, Special Forces, and Reservists,) 25 contractors and 10 DA civilians. My duties included managing rating schemes, accountability over all personnel, payroll submission for the 10 DA civilians, DMHRSi (timecard compliance, submissions and troubleshooting for all personnel,) Key Control Authority for 20 offices and rooms with over 100 keys, conducting and accounting for all mandatory training for both the hospital and Army requirements, as well as the countless other responsibilities as a Non Commissioned Officer.

• Maintained accountability over $1,000,000 worth of medical and office supplies.
• Responsible for the compliance of a $5,000,000 contracting payroll budget.
• Acquired ACLS and PALS instructor certifications to ensure certification compliance within the department.             

Anesthesia Technician                                                                                                                          Jul 07 to Sep 08

Flagstaff Medical Center, Flagstaff, AZ

I assisted all Anesthesia providers during surgical procedures to ensure quality patient care. As a senior technician, I was also responsible for training and proctoring new Anesthesia technicians. Our responsibilities ranged from cleaning and stocking rooms to ordering supplies through vendors, assisting in invasive surgical procedures, and taking on-call shifts to be available to assist Anesthesiologists during the following: emergency open heart surgeries, Cell-Saver operations, Craniotomy surgeries, pediatric emergencies, trauma, and any other highly critical surgeries that may take place at any time of day, weekends or nights.

• Worked independently from supervision or instruction during routine and emergent operating room procedures.
• Trained and supervised 5 new Anesthesia Technicians to ensure quality patient care within the operating room.

Paramedic                                                                                                                                   Oct 06 to Jul 07

Guardian Medical Transport/Flagstaff Medical Center, Flagstaff, AZ

I had the honor of serving my Flagstaff community during their time of emergency. My role as a paramedic was to take charge of a medical emergency scene and delegate appropriate life-saving procedures that the situation would call for to my fellow EMS providers. As a team we would all ensure the safety of our patients, each other and ourselves. I was also responsible for taking vital signs, read and record the data from the tools that I had available to me, and make determinations for the next medical intervention en-route to the nearest medical facility. Once at the medical facility, I would report to the nurse or physician all of the data that I had encountered, the patient’s medical history and any interventions that I had done for the patient and the outcome of any of the interventions. After my report, I would finish charting all the data, turn it in to the nursing station, help my crew clean and restock the ambulance and be vigilantly ready for our next patient in need.

• Worked independently from supervision or instruction during routine and emergent EMS calls.
• Maintained accountability of my EMS crew, drugs/narcotics, and equipment.
• Maintained appropriate certifications to include NREMT-Paramedic, AZ State Paramedic certification, BLS, ACLS, PEPP and PHTLS.

 

 

Education and Training

 

Northern Arizona University, Flagstaff, AZ                                                                                     Jun 99 to Dec 02

• BA English
• 120 credit hours received
• 3.2 GPA

DC Med Prep, Pima Community College, Mesa, AZ                                                                         Aug 05 to Nov 06              

• NREMT-Paramedic and AZ State Paramedic Certifications received

Womack Army Medical Center, Middle Management Course/NCO Lead Course;

Emergency Management Plan, Sentinel Events, Compassion Fatigue, PTM&S Training, Hospital Education Training, Patient Tracer Methodology, DMHRSi, Lean Six Sigma, Non Commissioned Officer Evaluation Report (NCOER) course, Competency Assessment Folders (CAF), Team Building, Military Awards, Roles of OIC/NCOIC, Time Schedule, Time Cards/Civilian Awards, Role of the Red Cross Volunteer, Equal Opportunity for Middle Managers, PROFIS, Budget, Defense Travel System (DTS), Workman's Comp (FECA), Total Army Performance Evaluation System (TAPES), Department of Logistics (LOG), Military Counseling, Management Employee Relation (MER), and Labor Relations.                                                                            30MAR-3APR 2009                                     

OTHER INFORMATION

Typing Speed: aprox 70-80WPM. Proficient in Microsoft Word and Excel. Outstanding organizational and leadership skills. Very detail oriented, disciplined and maintains a strong work ethic.

 

Why Would you Hire a Smart Blonde?

Oh, wait, silly me...there is NO SUCH THING AS a SMART BLONDE...duh!
...wah wah wah...
Anyway, now that we got that out of the way, I can now vent with the little bit of brain cell power that I have left.

Please hire me! I have gotten absolutely no where with my ass kissing skills and decided that it's time for me to just be real. What else have I got to lose?

I am a 28 year old female blond with blue eyes. I'm 5'7.5 and I'm not in the best shape, but I'm getting there. I used to be really attractive, but now I'm struggling to shed it all...oh, and she's almost two years old, so I guess that my excuse is a little out dated. I tend to make a lot of excuses for myself like that...just ask my husband...

Um, my credentials are as follows:

I can do anything...well, almost anything. I learned how to get on this blog website, so that's gotta show for something, right?

I learned a lot of different skills as a soldier in the Army, but now that I'm an E-6 Reservist, I've become a little relaxed since I have gotten so used to ordering subordinates around, while not doing much else. I'm still trying to perfect the Jedi Mind Trick...

I also know how to save lives as a Paramedic. I call it a love-hate relationship...I liked it and all, but saving lives can be so exhausting and stressful. All the drama, tension, and stress is a real drain on the sex life too, if you know what I mean.

Really, my greatest strength is my sassy attitude. I'm a smart ass and I like to bull$h@t with the best of them. If you can't take it, don't dish it out, because I'm quick on my whit and I'll slam your ass to the ground with brutal sarcasm and harsh reality.

Oh, and I have a BA in English, but you're probably still trying to get over the fact that I know how to read and write, so I'll give you all a moment to process that it's even a possibility...

So, what do you say? Do you have a job for me? I'll be here, holding my breath...