Why Would you Hire a Smart Blonde?

Oh, wait, silly me...there is NO SUCH THING AS a SMART BLONDE...duh!
...wah wah wah...
Anyway, now that we got that out of the way, I can now vent with the little bit of brain cell power that I have left.

Please hire me! I have gotten absolutely no where with my ass kissing skills and decided that it's time for me to just be real. What else have I got to lose?

I am a 28 year old female blond with blue eyes. I'm 5'7.5 and I'm not in the best shape, but I'm getting there. I used to be really attractive, but now I'm struggling to shed it all...oh, and she's almost two years old, so I guess that my excuse is a little out dated. I tend to make a lot of excuses for myself like that...just ask my husband...

Um, my credentials are as follows:

I can do anything...well, almost anything. I learned how to get on this blog website, so that's gotta show for something, right?

I learned a lot of different skills as a soldier in the Army, but now that I'm an E-6 Reservist, I've become a little relaxed since I have gotten so used to ordering subordinates around, while not doing much else. I'm still trying to perfect the Jedi Mind Trick...

I also know how to save lives as a Paramedic. I call it a love-hate relationship...I liked it and all, but saving lives can be so exhausting and stressful. All the drama, tension, and stress is a real drain on the sex life too, if you know what I mean.

Really, my greatest strength is my sassy attitude. I'm a smart ass and I like to bull$h@t with the best of them. If you can't take it, don't dish it out, because I'm quick on my whit and I'll slam your ass to the ground with brutal sarcasm and harsh reality.

Oh, and I have a BA in English, but you're probably still trying to get over the fact that I know how to read and write, so I'll give you all a moment to process that it's even a possibility...

So, what do you say? Do you have a job for me? I'll be here, holding my breath...